An Open Letter to Parents who Help with Planning
In recent years, we've seen a LOT of support coming from parents and relatives of the brides and grooms-to-be. We've been in the weddings business for over 10 years (since 2015), and before 2024, we could count on one set of hands the number of times we'd fielded a call from mom, rather than the bride. Now, it seems like every other couple who is looking for videography has the support of a parent, sibling, or even aunt and uncle as they navigate the planning process. If you are a mom helping to plan the wedding, a dad handling vendor comms, an aunt or uncle financing a wedding video, or another beloved relative supporting in whatever way you can, I want to say on behalf of all the soon-to-be-weds out there: thank you.
My own mama (pictured above) was a huge help when I was planning my wedding. My future mother-in-law (who has been acting as a mother-in-law to me since her son and I started dating back in 2014, we just made it official in 2020), was also a major supporter! If it weren't for those two women and their constant support, I'm not sure I ever would've gotten that marriage license signed after all. I am more grateful than I can say that my mom and mother-in-law helped me to plan the wedding. Whenever I get a call that starts with "My daughter/son is getting married..." or hop on with a bride whose mom is nearby, taking diligent notes, my heart is so full! Wedding planning on your own is so stressful. Wedding planning with Mom can be much less so--for some folks, you might even call it fun!
In my years with Unnamed Films helping to plan weddings, I've worked with stellar mother-daughter teams, amazing mother-son duos, and even received emails and calls from very supportive dads, sisters, and aunts. In my time, I've also seen some less-than-stellar combos, which usually come down to one thing: communication. Having Mom help with the wedding is amazing--and I don't just mean with her checkbook. When Mom comes to help dress shop, pick flowers, or takes the helm when getting prices from videographers, it gives her soon-to-be-wed son or daughter an opportunity to breathe! They can focus on the parts of planning they're more excited about, or, more likely, work on finishing up school, working at their full-time job, or starting their adult life as a young person, whatever that might look like. My goal here is to help couples and their support system to communicate well, so that the walk to the aisle is joyful and stress-free; because when the communication is solid and your vision is aligned, there's nobody whose help we're more grateful for than yours.
Communication: Their Vision, Your Support
Although the adherence to the "traditional" black and white wedding has waned over the past years, the excitement of couples to get married has not. Little girls still plan their dream wedding, and Pinterest boards still get filled with DIY decorations and color-themed accents for the big day. In my experience, most brides and grooms have a basic vision of what they're looking for--but so do Mom and Dad. There is a delicate balance there between support and taking charge. The best way to make sure you're supporting your son/daughter/otter is to sit down with them and let their vision lead first. Once you know what they are most excited for, you can help them find the vendor team to make it happen. And if there is a place where their vision isn't as solid, they may even surprise you by asking you what you think. You've probably said it yourself over the years to your own kiddo, but here it is: listen twice, speak once (or some variation of that phrase).
Top 5 Questions to Ask Your "Nearlywed"
Here is a quick list of 10 questions to ask as you try to learn what your bride or groom-to-be has been dreaming of for the wedding.
- If money were not part of the equation, what would your dream wedding look like?
Listen, parents can be miracle workers, but we all know money doesn't grow on trees! The purpose of asking this question is to let yourselves dream, and to hear what the bride or groom-to-be has hidden in their heart as their perfect wedding. You search for the budget or DIY option from there.
- What are your non-negotiables?
Many couples use a set number of wedding day "veto's" to help sort out their priorities. Other couples talk it out. Still other couples are stuck in an "I don't care" rut where neither of them has strong feelings; all they know is that they want to be together. Even the "IDC" couple will likely have a couple non-negotiables up their sleeve--they just might not have said them out loud yet. I recommend taking a note from my mama on this one--write it down in your Notes app so you can look back and remember what was MOST important, and ensure that you do whatever you can to make those non-negotiables happen.
- What is the budget?
This one can be so touchy, but with everything wedding-related, it is always worth asking. Whether you're contributing $5000 to the wedding/nest egg fund, covering all costs, or helping to support with your time and energy while the Nearlyweds are financing their own big day, it's important to know what you're working with, and to set reasonable expectations. As always, I recommend getting some quotes first, then constructing your budget. If you have 20k to work with, don't assume that the venue will only be $3,000! Get to know real, accurate vendor costs, then decide which vendor gets which slice of the pie. As more experienced budgeters, parents have a lot to offer in this department.
- How can I help?
Never be afraid to ask this one. Whether you're just starting or have come home to find them stressed out after their third confusing and overwhelming vendor call, start from a place of love. Trust me, your bride or groom-to-be can feel your support. If they don't offer you the exact role you'd like to hold, consider your options. If you wanted to help plan the bachelorette party but they really want you on floral, look for ways to make the most of what they need help with! And let them know you're available for the rest and excited for them, no matter what.
- Have you and _____ talked about this yet?
Remember who the wedding is about! It's a family event, but before all else, it's their big day. If it sounds like they are going too far down a wedding planning rabbit hole, or something you've talked about before is raising yellow flags, don't always jump to giving advice. Start by asking what the two of them have decided, or discovering that they need to have a conversation first, before offering your two cents. Sometimes with wedding planning, listening counts for double.
A Note on The "I Don't Care" Couple
We've worked with our share of these guys over the years! He or she doesn't really care about the colors or what the video looks like. He doesn't have much input on the tux. She doesn't really have any big plans for floral. For supporters, this can be very frustrating! But we recommend coming to it from the same angle we do: ask questions and listen, then ask for professional advice. If you've asked the groom twice if he wants a full Ceremony video and he's still adamant that he doesn't care, ask the videographers what they recommend. She's not sure if she wants a 200 photo gallery or a more expensive 400 photo gallery? Ask the photographer what the difference is. Often, wedding planning (while also apartment hunting, saving up every last penny, puppy shopping, and working a full-time job) can leave soon-to-be-weds worn out and dizzy with the details. For couples who are comfortable giving up the reins, letting someone else do the research is a huge relief!
More than a Check book (but the checkbook is nice, too....)
Brides and grooms all know that Mom and Dad are more than just a checkbook. Just as many of them know that in many ways, this day is almost as important to you as it is to them! You've been dreaming of walking her down the aisle just as long as she's been dreaming of Prince Charming at the end of it. When it came to wedding planning for me, advice and delegation were almost as helpful as a check. Did I cry tears of joy when my mother-in-law offered to pay for my wedding video? Yes. Did I also cry with relief when my mother-in-law handled ordering flower baskets when I was at my wit's end? Also yes. Decision fatigue is so real, y'all! And never is decision fatigue more fatigue-ing than when you're planning one of life's biggest moments, with all of the people you care most about slated to be in the room, watching it all go down. Whether your support looks like time, energy, or relieving financial burden, know that it is appreciated. If you're not in a spot to spring for the video right now, it may be equally as helpful for you to reach out to vendors and present some pricing to the couple so they don't have to. Just make sure they actually want a wedding video first 😉
Top 5 Questions to Ask Potential Vendors
We've taken about as many calls with a bride and her mom as we have with a bride and her future spouse! When you think about it, it makes so much sense. She has to work a full-time job, has a strict 30-minute lunch break, and is also working on finding a house for she and her future groom to live in! Mom has been working at her job for 30 years, can take whatever lunch break she likes, and because she's earned her team's trust, can take a call at 2pm on a weekday no sweat. She has access to resources that the future bride might not, and has also been learning how to budget and plan events for longer than her daughter has been alive. When Mom listens first and knows her daughter's vision, she's the most powerful supporter in a bride's wedding day support crew. If you've got a really good understanding of the bride and groom's wedding day vision, you can jump on The Knot or Wedding Wire (or just pick up the phone!) to get quotes from vendors so they don't have to. If that's a way you're choosing to support the couple, here are a few important questions to ask...
- How much will it cost?
The first and most important question--although if a vendor has a couple of detail questions first, we do recommend answering them. If the florist needs to know a budget and color palette before generating a quote, that makes sense! If you've got the wedding vision down, you can probably give a couple of preliminary details, then log the quote in whatever way is easiest for you so you can report it to the couple later. Some supporters use a Google Sheet, others use their trusty notebook! The most helpful part here is the ability to present information to the couple and answer questions to compare potential vendors.
- What do most couples choose?
This question can be so powerful! It lets you know what the most popular options are, and many vendors will also sprinkle in some helpful hints in response. When I get this question, I always recommend our much-loved Moment package, which includes a full Ceremony video. My helpful hint? Most couples watch the Highlight-style video on repeat for the first 5 years. Our back-end data shows that at around that 5-year mark, they start to watch the Ceremony video. It's a future investment that you'll be grateful for later, and I can confirm as a 2020 bride heading toward her 6-year anniversary! Most wedding vendors are genuinely trying to help. And nobody has a better sense for who is being helpful and who is being pushy than Mom and Dad, who have purchased more than a few cars, houses, or speed boats in their day. They know what to look out for!
- What options do you have to help on cost?
If you need help with the budget, it never hurts to ask. Many vendors have some additional tips or options they can provide when cost is a concern. If cost isn't a concern, you might be able to skip this one! Instead, you might ask "what do couples regret NOT doing?" and see what the vendor you're chatting with has to say. For us, it's the Video Guest Book, but we can talk more about that when you give us a call 😉
- "Can you send all of that info written out so I can discuss it with the bride and groom?"
When the couple in question can't join for a call (see 30-minute limited lunch break and Young Professional struggles above), make sure they have all the details they'll need. If there are multiple packages to choose between, make sure you can share each of them! What the couple wants may surprise you when they see it all written out. Most vendors are happy to send a follow-up email, which can be helpful, even if you are taking notes.
- What question have I not asked that I should be asking?
I've gotten this question a few times, and I LOVE it! It's such a great way to figure out what you're overlooking, especially if it's been a few years since your own wedding day, or if this is the first kid of the bunch to tie the knot. This gives me a chance to bring up timeline concerns, add-ons, payment information, additional discounts, and even some videography insider knowledge that most folks aren't familiar with.
5 Ways You Can Help Plan the Wedding
This final section is a rapid-fire option, intended to help you get creatively generous. If you want to be involved, but never overbearing, here are some ways to get started...
- You Can Get the Quotes
Bonus points if you use your own email or phone number! Trust me, you've got more time than the bride and groom-to-be have, and your ability to consider details comes with wisdom and savvy that is unmatched. Keep your opinion until the end, unless asked--but otherwise go out there and grab those quotes! When you're handling the messaging, you're saving the Nearlyweds hours and hours of messaging and decision fatigue. And saving their inbox, too! Especially if you actually check your email--you'll hear about deals, final chances to close, and unique opportunities that the overwhelmed bride and groom would likely have missed.
- You Can Cover the Cost
If there's something (like a wedding video, a special add-on, a dessert option, etc...) that your son/daughter/otter has their heart set on, but it's not in the budget, parents who are uniquely poised to be able to help can really give a powerful gift. While we don't endorse surprising the bride and groom with a wedding video on the day-of (they've got enough going on), we do fully endorse helping them cover the cost, even as a surprise gift. When my own future mother-in-law offered to cover the full cost of our wedding video, she gave us a gift we will treasure forever and ever, and can even hand down to kids and grandkids! Our video is more than just a highlight reel, it's a piece of our family legacy.
- You Can Take Notes and Stay Organized
If your future bride or groom isn't the type to buy a cute wedding binder off Etsy, or would totally buy the binder but wouldn't fill it out, this is your time to shine. Sit in on vendor meetings, join in on tours, and take notes! You can help keep track of the details so that the bride and groom can focus on the vision. When I needed a detail that was on the tip of my tongue but I couldn't quite remember, my first call was always to Mom.
- You Can Join on Tours
During the venue selection portion of the day, you can join on tours. You may notice things that the bride and groom overlook, dazzled as they are by picture-perfect furniture and the most perfect Ceremony space, and you can help recall details that may overwhelm them. You can also help them walk in with a game plan and say "we'll let you know later" when the bride and groom are feeling too much pressure to book. Just remember that their vision is important! If it wasn't your favorite venue, but it IS theirs, you can still support by helping them navigate where the outlets are, what parking looks like, and if there is handicap support for grandma, even if it wasn't your first choice.
- You Can Manage Minutiae
There is nothing more overwhelming than the level of detail involved in planning. Whether you're managing the RSVP list, making sure all the bridesmaid dresses get ordered and ship on time, in the right sizes, keeping track of decorations while she moves apartments, or maintaining a vendor list and timeline, you're relieving the burden of too much information. There are many ways for folks to support during wedding planning, but from my experience, handling the details is one of the most powerful.
I want to end this article the way I began it: by saying thank you. Every time I field a call from mom, or watch a mother-daughter team laugh together as they work their way through a detail-heavy timeline call, it makes my heart feel so full! Thank you for your support. Thank you for your willingness to contribute. Thank you for your time, energy, and yes, financial support. When the big day comes, we hope you'll be able to sit back and enjoy all of the work you've put in right along with the bride and groom.
